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[chaz]

Charles Vane

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[chaz]

fucker called me a cunt at the time

[in some ways he hasn't changed much.]

i believe in dark water and animals that can and will kill me

but i sailed for almost twenty years after that and never saw anything like that, so i don't believe in half shark half octopus

[chuffle]

How old were you?

Well I don’t believe it either

[chaz]

you asked, i'm answering. and 18, 19, maybe

[even he's not sure exactly how old he is. (or was.)]

[chuffle]

I didn’t say it had to be true!

Were you a pain in the ass as a teenager?

[chaz]

had no patience for bullshit

[the whole ordeal of enduring and escaping slavery had shaved off some of the more pointless ways that teenagers are obnoxious, but by that point he was already fighting his way out of every confrontation. fortunately teach was quick to rein him in.]

but teach said i ought to let men have their superstitions if it gave them respect for the sea

made sense thinking about it like that

[chuffle]

[She likes the idea of Teach. She wants to meet the one that was like a father, when the only one she met was a loser.]

Sensible. That's how you gain the respect of people who are dumber than you.

Would you have been intimidated by me, as a teenager? Or would you have tried to win me over?

[chaz]

what were you like as a teenager

[he has his suspicions, of course, but would rather hear her point of view.]

[chuffle]

Oh, I was a terror. High on power, you know? My aunties spent a lot of time slapping the shit out of me to get me to behave. That's how we learn.

I was confident. Sure of myself. I've always known I was beautiful.

[chaz]

i don't doubt any of it

i was trying to prove myself then

[it's the caveat. objectively a tumultuous and often frustrating time in a person's life - she may well have found him insufferable.]

but you'd have gotten my attention and kept it, one way or the other

[chuffle]

I like the idea of that. Of having met you, before, of having gotten your attention and made you mine back then.

Not that I don't like having you now. Having you any which way, any time, that's good for me.

But in fairness?

I would have been obsessed with you.

[chaz]

do you think so

what if you weren't a tigress

just a girl

[chuffle]

I would still be obsessed with you. Eyes, hair, intensity? I wouldn't need to be a tiger for that to do a number on me.

If I wasn't a tiger I would still be the most feral girl you ever met.

[A pause, a moment. But then:]

If I was just a girl, I would be that dark girl, that girl that could have been a slave but wasn't. I would have been furious, trapped under my stepfather's thumb, sneaking out onto the beach for moments of freedom, going in the water, not letting anyone near me.

[chaz]

[he's silent for a little while at first. it's a bit of an exercise to work his imagination like this, but if he takes his time with it and she lets him, he can join her on that beach that never was.]

you would have seen me watching you

[even if he wanted to be careful about staring, she would have been hypnotic to him. sooner or later, their eyes would have met, and he would have refused to look away.]

i'd wait for that moment, and make sure you knew that i saw you

[chuffle]

[She wonders if he’s ever had a relationship like this, where what ifs are more a game than a regret.]

I imagine I’d know whose crew you belonged to. I’d look you in the eye and stand up straight and I guess if I were a normal girl, some part of me would be a little afraid.

Afraid in that way that thrills. Like jumping off a high place into the water. Like a fight. I wouldn’t want you to know that my heart was beating a little faster, so I think I would raise my chin. Look at you. Refuse to look away.

[chaz]

[it was the same thing that struck him about eleanor. but he doesn't want to tell her that, or think about it at all. he'd rather enjoy her words exactly for what they suggest.]

better watch yourself then

the moment i could find you alone, i would

[chuffle]

I’d make you work for it. Even if I wanted you like I was a woman dying of thirst and you were fresh water, you would have to hunt me. Make it clear i wasn’t something to have and throw away once you won it.

You might find me alone but I wouldn’t let you catch me until I was ready.

[chaz]

but i would have

[eventually. he has no doubt that she would have kept him invested in the chase, and the longer she did that, the more intense his desire for her would grow.]

i would run you down and make you admit you wanted me as much as i wanted you

with my mouth against your cunt if needed

[chuffle]

If you had met me that young, you would have been the first man to touch me, you realize.

[chaz]

[in fact he hadn't considered it until she said it, which is a stark indication of just how young most girls he knew were when they got started.]

how young then

[chuffle]

Well, I was eighteen. But if I wasn’t a tiger, I would have never met Asher. If I was still with my mother my stepfather would have treated me like a commodity.

So. Say I’m eighteen. Virginal but wild.

[chaz]

you would have known what i wanted

but i wouldn't have demanded it

[chuffle]

I know that. No matter how much you wanted me, you always want me to want you, too.

I’m smart enough to make you crazy for me. So you would want to keep me.

[chaz]

i know that too

[he knows it, but it's becoming more real as they talk about it. she would have gotten to him earlier than eleanor. which begs the question:]

would you have kept me

[chuffle]

Would I have kept you?

If I had you, I would have scratched out the eyes of any girl who looked at you too long. If I had you, in a world where it was you, and me, against the world? I would have done everything to keep you. I would have schemed and plotted and destroyed for you.

Especially since, knowing the asshole of my stepfather, he would kick me out the second I wasn't a good girl.

[chaz]

[that does seem to be the way of fathers for young girls who make their way among pirates.]

we would have run that whole fucking island together and held it

[he can say that because none of this is real. it doesn't matter if that's not true.]